When I think about childhood family rules, this is what comes to mind: nothing. As in zero. Zilch. Nada. I cannot recall a single rule our family had. So, as you can imagine, I didn’t really know what was “fair game” and often pushed the limits to see what I could get away with. My siblings did the same. 

However, what I got away with one time may have incited discipline another time, but then the very next time, I might have gotten away with it again. Some things were never addressed. And chaos, not order, was the prevalent atmosphere. 

This lack of rules in the home led to a lot of uncertainty. I didn’t know what was expected of me, what was okay and what wasn’t. I struggled for a long time with knowing that I was really loved, safe and secure, but didn’t know why. Now, I know. Healthy family rules are crucial for a child’s growth — mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

When I hit my adult years, I began to understand why rules are important. Just imagine what driving would be like today without rules. Every job has rules to follow, and rightly so; no business would survive without them. So then, why would families not need rules as well? For a home to be peaceful, safe, joyful and spiritually sound, well-crafted rules are necessary. The following are eight rules we can adopt for a truly healthy family.

1. Make “please,” “thank you” and “I love you” part of your daily language

These words were not often used in my childhood home, but the one phrase that I desired the most was “I love you.” Those words may or may not have been said to me when I was very young, but I don’t recall them being said as I was growing up. When I was a young adult and beyond, I can count on one hand the number of times I heard either of my parents say, “I love you.”

Children need to know they are loved; words matter. And basic manners matter, too. “Please” and “thank you” are blessings to the giver and receiver. Just yesterday, I met a young man who never said “please” or “thank you” throughout the several hours I was in his presence, though he had multiple opportunities to do so. But I also know that he was raised in a very hurtful home where he was bullied constantly by his own parents and siblings. It was sad; however, I was blessed that when he left our home, he said, “Thank you.”

Children (and sometimes adults) emulate what they see and hear on a frequent basis. May the words we speak be what we want our children to repeat.

2. No phones during family time

I’m guilty of this and maybe you are too. What put a stop to it in our home is that our youngest daughter called me out on not really listening to her when she was talking to me. And I wasn’t. Granted, I was in the middle of texting someone when she came up to me and started talking, but I only nodded and briefly acknowledged her presence. I wasn’t engaged, and she knew it.

Our society is obsessed with its phones, addicted, even. And that needs to stop. Face-to-face, personal contact is the only real way to build close, healthy relationships. Set up a phone-free time in your home; mealtimes work well, and it’s a great time for family conversations.

3. Celebrate wins, no matter how small

Life is tough — in my opinion, much tougher than when I was growing up. It’s easy to get discouraged, feel deflated, or otherwise bummed. We need encouragement. Our kids do, too. First Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV) has this excellent advice: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 

Actively look for reasons to celebrate. Your kiddo aced a spelling test? Celebrate with an ice cream treat. Your first day at a new job? Take the family out for dinner. Your kindergartener-to-be got signed up at school today? Go to the park afterwards for some playtime. Your middle-schooler came in third at the science fair? Let him choose a celebratory reward. The possibilities are endless; the memories are priceless.

4. Keep promises

Trust is built in the home. We want our children to believe what we say in all things, so keeping the promises we make is a very big deal.

If you absolutely must break a promise, and there’s just no way around it, be honest. Be humble. Be apologetic. Don’t make excuses; just be honest and forthright. And the most important thing is to make sure breaking a promise doesn’t become a habit because repeated broken promises set a child up for a lifetime of distrust and perhaps even breaking promises themselves.

5. Support one another

In a healthy family, no one gets left behind. One child is not favored over another. One parent is not doing the bulk of the parenting. Everyone matters. Everyone pitches in. Attend school functions together. Share responsibilities. Help without being asked. Verbally express appreciation. These things are noticed by our children and become natural to them in a way that will continue into their adult years.

There’s a beautiful Christian family I’ve known for many years, and they are amazing in the way they are “there” for one another. The whole extended family regularly attends dance recitals, sports games, and more for each child, not just their own. Rarely does one family miss an important moment in the life of another. For them, family comes first … always. 

6. Prioritize meals and talk time

With busy schedules, it’s hard to get everyone together at once, but it’s crucial for a healthy family. That togetherness matters. Aiming for one family meal together each day is ideal. 

Table time is great for having family discussions. This talk time is a great way to plan together, to solve problems together, to discuss each other’s hopes and dreams, and to develop healthy communication skills, such as listening fully before responding, not interrupting, speaking with kindness and respect even if upset, and being honest even when it’s hard. 

7. Apologize when wrong, ask for forgiveness when necessary

In my childhood home, apologizing or asking for forgiveness was unheard of, so when I became an adult, it was a hard thing for me to do. And when I became a parent, it was even more difficult because I believed it showed weakness and imperfection, things I didn’t want my children to see in me.

Thankfully, I learned that apologizing and asking for forgiveness isn’t a weakness; it’s a strength. And when prompted and guided by the Holy Spirit, it’s powerful. Asking for forgiveness is necessary because I make mistakes. We all do. Our kids need to know that it’s okay to make mistakes; it’s what we do with mistakes that matters. And apologies and forgiveness matter. 

8. Grow spiritually together

My mother was a closet Christian of sorts, at least at home. She was a bit of an introvert, though she was involved in her church and made sure we were there with her each Sunday. At home, however, not much was ever said about God or the Christian life.

My husband and I decided pre-children that we wanted to raise any kids that God blessed us with to have a firm foundation in the Word of God and to have a genuine relationship with the Lord. When I became pregnant with my first daughter, my husband read out loud from a children’s Bible storybook every day. He did the same with all our children.

Praying together was also a daily habit. Not an evening went by that we didn’t gather around and pray before ending our day. And as a homeschool family, we started each school day with a morning devotional. While not being “legalistic,” these were spiritual family “rules” we decided upon because we wanted our family to grow together spiritually as well as in every other way.

While these aren’t the only family rules for a healthy family, they are some of the most important. Discuss among your own family what family rules are important to you and begin implementing them for a vibrant, healthy family.

Photo: skynesher/Getty Images | This article was originally titled “Healthy Family Rules” in the February 2026 issue of The War Cry.